I have a particularly random urge to write something, but I do not want my subject to see for a while. So I turn to the only place he hasn't infiltrated yet. I just need to get my angsty teenage thoughts out there while I'm still a teenager.

I am madly in love with Matt Parsons. If he says jump, I won't even ask how high. I'd just go straight to the moon and back, just for him. I want to have his kids someday, and I want us to grow old together. You know, the whole shebang. There are only two problems with these wonderful dreams of mine: a) He doesn't believe in marriage, and b) I'm going to Germany for a whole year.

The first problem isn't really a problem at all, I guess. I just won't ever get to see myself in a beautiful dress, walking down the aisle, and finally have a man to call my own, forever. I know the divorce rate these days is ridiculous, and his arguments against marriage are too sound for me to even think about arguing with (without marriage, he says that I'll always know that because he can leave anytime, and the fact that he doesn't means that I've earned his love. It's a sweet thought, but I still want to know that he promises to be there). I've decided on the ultimate compromise: being engaged. This way, I know he loves me enough to want to be with me forever, but he still has the freedom to walk away anytime he wants. But I can never tell him this, because if I do, it'll ruin any surprise of him thinking about this on his own. I know I'm being so incredibly selfish with these thoughts, but they are my thought bubbles, and I can't help the way I think. Besides, I'm worrying about a distant future problem, when I should be facing the current problems I have now.

The absolute hardest thing I'll probably ever have to do in my life is go to Germany. Granted, it's a wonderful opportunity, and I'm going to have an experience I've been longing for since I was 5 years old. The sweetest and most painful thing to me about this whole thing is that he swears up and down that he's going to wait for me. However, since I'm not near him for the whole summer before, and then won't be there for the entire school year and summer after that, it's just not fair for him to wait for me. I cannot be responsible for making him celibate for that long. As painful as it is, I need to make him hate me, so he can find someone much better for him than I can be during our time apart. Some people would think that I'd break up with him because I want my chance to be with someone exotic and new from a different country. That isn't true. In case you haven't noticed in the previous paragraphs, I love him more than my life itself. I want to see him happy, even if it is at my expense. I know I won't find anyone anywhere else, because nobody besides him even thinks I'm remotely attractive, and I don't want to find anyone else, for that matter. So I've enacted a little plan to make him forget about me in the easiest way possible. I've disappeared from all forms of communication, so he cannot contact me. Eventually (if he ever starts to begin with; I'm often the one who starts conversations, not him), he'll forget about me, and by the time I go to Germany, I'll be a long and distant memory, and he can hopefully find someone so much better than me that can truly make him happy.

And Matt, if you ever find this, I love you so much. Thanks for everything you've done for me, and thanks for giving me the opportunity to sing on your CD. You mean everything to me. Please find yourself someone that can make you happy. I mean it. <3<3<3